Saturday, January 6, 2007: dinner moments
omg, 3rd post today. i think i've done alot of thinking today! aiyo, dont really know if thats good or bad. oh well!
anyway, i was just thinking, just now when both my parents and i went out for dinner, back to a conversation i had a few days ago, one where we were talking about families and i remember vaguely something like this:
person: i think you are quite blessed, your family is quite close.
me: oh really ah, haha, i guess so!
i think looking at things from an outsider's perspective, everything might seem rather rosy and happy, and sure we do have our quarrels and all, but we always make up and i know i'm able to share freely with my family members, i can talk sanely with my parents, i hardly quarrel with them and everything. but i guess sometimes for me from an insider's perspective, things arent quite the same scenario. i dont know what to think sometimes, sometimes i get tired of playing the mediator, and i must say i'm quite guilty of taking sides quite easily without even getting a clear picture of what is happening between everyone. but the tension i feel is the worst. perhaps its just what my extra sensitive radar tells me, that something fishy is definitely going on, but i dont know just what to think sometimes. i mean even between my friends, my radar just picks up the wrong signals. but sigh.
i was just thinking during dinner, maybe God gave me extra sensitivity for a reason. perhaps it is to sense the rough picture of what people are feeling, not entirely what they are going through, but more of how they are feeling. and i guess, its been quite difficult. now thinking about it, i think i quite resent the fact that if God truly gave me this 'gift'. in a way, i feel, for rather selfish reasons, that when i'm extra sensitive, i tend to be very self conscious, in a sense that i overly think about what people are thinking of me. in That particular way, i dont exactly love the extra sensitivity. but then i thought, if this was a gift, God meant for me to use it for His will, His will being to Help Other Believers and Nonbelievers, not to just Help Myself. as you can see, i'm still learning, how to die to my worldly self, and to live in His image, to live out His purposes.
and then on the car ride back i thought about how i keep comparing my life to others. sure, i'm envious of other people when they have super close parents who have a very strong marriage, when they have money to live a luxurious life, to have a loving family, to have a sister to borrow pretty clothes from, to have a brother who looks out for them, to have a nice house, even to have maids and a chauffeur. okay looking at this list, i'm starting to feel rather guilty for being so worldly for some, but i guess who wouldnt like these things!
i guess what i'm trying to say is, i compare. and as i thought about it, i was reminded of what i thought about before - about how from an outsider's POV everything can seem aokay, but underneath everything might be crumbly. i guess everyone has problems! so i shouldnt take things at face value, i need to learn how to be content. trust me, i feel blessed enough already for the things that God has provided me with. but i guess, after being in this world for so long, i tend to long for things that other people might have that i dont. and i think i should remember the people worse off than me: the poor, the sick, the addicted.
and then i felt that comparing in itself isnt that bad, if for the right reasons. (correct me if i say this wrongly, i dont exactly know how to put it in words.) if you compare yourself to someone who is stronger in faith than you and seeing that person being so on fire, so full of the Holy Spirit that you see something in him/her that you desire after comparing your walk with him/her. Following that if comparing challenges you to grow more in your faith and walk with God, purely because you want that same spirit in you, then i think, its fine. but i think we need to be careful, what will harm through comparing is the fact that comparing worldly things might make us lose sight of the reason why we are placed here on earth; so that we can testify to the world of God's greatness and goodness, and in doing so bring others to Him, serving His greater purpose.
which reminds me, someone, in a blog i read, argued that christianity is restricting the freedom we get to and i quote "live the way he or she wants it", because if we dont believe in Christ we are "drowned in eternal damnation". i felt quite frustrated reading the person's blog because ultimately, what the person said was defying everything i believe in, and i had to admit, i dont have enough bible knowledge to refute (in my heart, cos i didnt dare tag) what the person was saying. i guess ultimately how i define freedom in God's purpose is that i am set free from the world and its values and attitudes because i believe in Jesus Christ, and i am not condemned to hell after i die. i have the freedom through Christ, so that i can freely be the light on the hill that shines for God and testify to others about Him.
but i digressed from my topic. again. i think i just wante to say something about what i read, cos i was really frustrated.
anyway, so yes. the car ride back from dinner was pretty reflective. i thought and thought. and i was thinking, i think i shouldnt refuse to use the gifts that God has blessed me with and i shouldnt be biased about who i use my gift with, because God loves everyone, even those who turn away from Him and thus to be Christlike, i shouldnt be biased but i should love everyone equally because God first loved me.
Jesus i believe in YouJesus i belong to YouYou're the reason that i livethe reason that i singwith all i am(okay i think i should stop making my posts so long, because i think people get tired of reading, i know i would. haha!)
a shout of praise.
7:31 PM
